"Self hate isn't okay at ANY size": Amanda's Story

Trigger warnings: mention of anorexia, low self-esteem and familial pressure. 

I've struggled my entire life to like how I look. I was a string bean growing up; everyone thought I had an eating disorder. Then overnight I sprouted into a hippy, curvy, big busted woman and I was looked at for other reasons. The average woman in the US is a size 12-14 so claiming that my size 7 was large to me seems a bit self-obsessed but, honestly, going from a size 2 to a 7 is a lot to a teenager. It is especially difficult when you are going through puberty and have been “fat shamed” your entire life by your mother; yes, even when I was a size 2. I was taught that in order to lose weight, or like yourself, you must not eat for a month and only live on SlimFast. Anorexia was a must in my family, talked about daily by my mother, and because my sister and I didn't fit the standard that was laid down, we bore the consequences.

 

My frustration only heightened when I hit high school and all these gorgeous popular girls were so much tinier than I was. I learned then that there WAS a fat and skinny and if you didn't conform to societal standard, you were fat. Shopping for clothes no longer seemed enjoyable and I didn't really care much about my appearance. And, then on top of it all, I was sexually assaulted my senior year which pushed me even further into my “I don’t care how I look” phase. It was difficult.

Fast forward to starting to date the man I now call my husband. He has ALWAYS called me beautiful. I started to come out of my shell and become interested in dressing nicely and putting more effort into how I looked. I gained a little more weight but he didn't care because he loved me for who I was, not who I could turn into. I felt like I was finally hitting my stride as an adult.

Then along came a girl just like my mother. My brother in law started to date a girl who, right out of the gate, I disliked. And I honestly didn’t figure out why until about three months into their relationship. She was anorexic and, without saying too much for fear of getting on a soap box, verbally abusive to all those around her, including my husband, brother in law, their parents, and myself. We fought especially hard most days because I had just cut off all contact from my family a few years prior and I really didn’t want to deal with all of it again. It was very frustrating to watch her starve herself and feel helpless about it. It was difficult for me to watch my brother in law, a quiet man and an introvert, cater to her anorexia. None of us really knew how to act. I put on more weight, I think, because I wanted to prove to her that weight didn’t make you who you were. I ended up feeling bad about myself and it was used as a weapon. One of the first things I ever heard her say about me was, “I didn't think your brother would be into chubby girls”. It was like I was right back in my parent’s household.

It was four years later in October 2013, when their marriage was imminent and I had enough of listening to insult after insult about my weight and my appearance, I snapped. June 2013 I had decided I was going to show everyone. I finally put my gym membership to use 3-4 days a week and started to follow my mother’s rules. I ate, but very small amounts. I measured myself every single day. It was also at this time that I finally owned up to my allergies. I’m lactose intolerant and suffer from celiac disease. I went from 142lbs in June to 105lbs in October. I wore a size zero for their wedding and finally felt triumphant.

But it didn’t change anything except my relationship with my husband. I was tired all the time and crabby. I hated eating because it was a way for me to gain weight. I still got made fun of. I felt like I was chasing a unicorn. So, in the new year I started lifting weights. And then I talked to a trainer. I started to transform my body. My husband encouraged it because he admitted he was getting incredibly concerned about my health. I regained 20lbs of healthy weight, mostly muscle. I was informed that the average woman should be between 20-22% body fat and I was at 13% at the beginning of the new year. I was at 14.5% when I got serious with the trainer. I can only imagine what I was at that past October. Each fraction of a percent was celebrated, but it also made me cringe. I felt like I was getting fat again but I kept with it anyway because it meant so much to my trainer and my husband.

From a photoshoot, a few weeks ago.

Currently I love my body, most days. Every curve is celebrated. It’s been an incredibly hard road and I still have problems. I can’t eat until I feel full. Days that I feel bloated are awful for me emotionally. Exercise is still difficult. I find myself looking for a change immediately and if there isn't one? Oh boy. But I eat the calories I’m supposed to, I stay away from foods that I’m allergic to, and I find comfort in myself(or a few gluten free cookies). I’ve begun to model and while that has put a lot of pressure on me emotionally to try and deal with the women who are far skinnier, I try to revel in the fact that I will fill out the clothing just a touch better than they can. 

My progress (l-r): June 2013, November 2013 and March 2014.

I read an article once where a woman who was obese and had lost a lot of weight tried to explain that no one really tells you about the pressures and expectations once you lose weight and it’s true for all sizes. I would never claim to have an eating disorder. I never starved myself calorie-wise and I never purged. I just became obsessed with the image that is flouted in magazines and on television. I wanted to be that person. And now I realize all I really have to be is myself. My body fat is now 16.9%. And it’s difficult writing this but I want everyone to know that you are not alone. You can be amazing  without having to conform to societal norms. So, understand that as I reveal my struggle. I am strong for speaking out about the events that have occurred and the consequences/results. I don’t give a flying fig what anyone else thinks about me now J.

My husband, Joel, and I.

And my husband still calls me beautiful J

"The only courage you ever need is the courage to live the life you want. - Oprah Winfrey": Tracy's Story

I met Tracy through a mutual friend of ours, Brendan. Over the past few months, I have watched her come out of her shell and take on challenges that leave me in awe. I am so happy to have gotten to know her and to have such an inspiring woman in my life. 

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"The only courage you ever need is the courage to live the life you want. - Oprah Winfrey": Tracy's Story

My lovely friend, Merissa, suggested I do a guest blog on her weekly challenges blog, and I kept postponing it. Not because I didn't think it’s a good idea; I couldn't figure out what challenge to even write about it. I didn't have weekly challenges and everything felt like it just gradually happened. It just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Nothing really stood out the same way as when I read Merissa’s blogs, where it felt like I was in awe at what she was able to accomplish. I knew I’d been challenging myself all year and I’d even been told so. So what would I even talk about? Running a 10k? Getting a tattoo? Swimming in Lake Ontario?

But as I hit the one-year mark of when everything started to change, I realized that the challenge I really gave myself, and I would have to quote Oprah Winfrey for this, is to have the courage to live the life you want. 

I made a resolution a year ago. I told myself that I would take a leap forward into the unknown to find something that works for me. Even if people didn't agree, I was still going to go after what I believe in and stand by it. I might end up with nothing or I might end up with everything, but at least I knew I tried my best and that’s all I can really ask of myself. I started going after the things I wanted and living life with no regret.  Putting complete faith and trust in myself and those around me, and rebuilding relationships that matter the most to me. Letting people in, no matter how scary that sounds. And what a difference it has made! For the first time in a long time, I know what it feels like to feel alive.

So what exactly did I decide to do? Well, I decided to pull out the old bucket list and just start crossing things off because I suddenly realized there was no reason I couldn't do these things now. There’s no one and nothing to stop me from accomplishing my goals.

•        Joining a gym/Running a 10k

 

I joined the gym simply because I was at a point where I just couldn’t sit at home anymore. I was antsy and when I stepped into the gym, I was pretty much intimidated by all the machines. So, I went with the good, old treadmill and just started running. I realized how much I missed running and I just kept running. It was my escape from my world, especially when I just started listening to music. This eventually led to me setting the Sporting Life 10k as my goal. It ended up being an amazing experience! I’m so glad that I did it and that my family showed up to support me. 

•          Getting my ears pierced

So, I finally decided to get my ears pierced for the first time, shortly before the end of 2013. I couldn't figu,re out why I haven’t already done it. I think it was mostly due to me thinking it would be painful. But one day on my day off for the holidays, I decided, 'Screw it! I am getting my ears pierced. I think I can handle the pain."

• Getting a tattoo 

I was proud of getting this tattoo and so thankful that the opportunity came when it did. Otherwise, I don’t think I would have had the courage to walk in there by myself. It sounds ironic, considering that my tattoo means 'brave' or 'courageous'. But it was a much needed reminder for myself to be brave when times are tough and to never lose sight of that feeling. 

• Learning how to ride a bike

I gotta thank my friend being patient. I don’t think I ever would have learned to ride a bike without that much needed assistance. I’ve tried twice before this and both times were basically disasters and made me never want to get on a bike again. I also pretty much had to give myself a pep talk every time I was alone and was trying to pedal on my own for two weeks. But I finally got it and can now start training for a triathlon.

• Swimming in Lake Ontario

I have always loved swimming and it was another thing I got back into this year. So, it was a tough pill to swallow when I tried to do the Toronto Island Lake Swim and couldn't finish the race because I was pretty sure I was going to get hypothermia and have to get someone to pull me out of the water. I had to call it a day but I was thankful that my family was there to support me. And while it was a failure, it made me realize that I need to know my limits and that I can always try again and start small and build my way up.

• Treetop trekking

This is always something that I wanted to do but  did not think I was fit enough to do. However, since I’ve been working out all year (or at least trying to), I figured I would give it a try when my friend suggested I go with her. It was definitely a challenge because I never thought I had good balance. So, imagine my reaction when the first thing I see when I get up there is a nice rope for me to walk on to get to the other side. It was fun though. I survived with a few bruises and a bruised ego, but I would definitely do this again.

• Travelling

One of the hardest things that I had to get used to was travelling on my own, but I was glad I did it. It gave me a sense of independence and made me realize that my feeling of being alone was silly. I can be happy on my own, have fun with my family and friends, and take pride in being independent and gaining new experiences.

In a nutshell, that’s what my year has been like and I know in the coming year, there will be more things that will be crossed off my bucket list. I think that it’s safe to say that I’m proud of how far I’ve come in the last year. It definitely wasn’t easy and at the end of 2013, I really wished that the new year would start already. Having the courage to live the life that you want is definitely going to be an ongoing challenge for me. But I will always have a reminder to be brave when things are tough, and knowing that having my family and friends by my side will ensure that I never feel alone.

Also, I have to thank Merissa; whenever times got tough, I knew I wasn't alone and her blogs are just inspiring to anyone who wants to challenge themselves.

For the Love of Pole Dancing - Roshelle's Story

In this first post, my BEAUTIFUL (inside and out) friend, Roshelle, shares her pole dancing journey with us. She highlights her participation in the inaugural Pole Performance Troupe night at Brass Vixens. Roshelle is one of the main reasons I continued to go to Brass Vixens after my intro month. She is personable and genuine. You can't help but love her and she can't help but ensure that you love yourself. I am so happy to have her as my first guest writer on the Everday Women Warriors blog! Enjoy!

For the Love of Pole Dancing:

I first decided to go to Brass Vixens because I’ve always wanted to try pole dancing and because of the other classes that they offer, especially their aerial fitness. I have continued going to Brass Vixens because of the ladies that teach, who make it an inspiring place to be, and because of the ladies who attend, who you can always be yourself around.

Inside Leg Hang

It’s been a little over a year since I joined, but I only started to take the pole classes seriously in January of this year. It took me this long because I was hesitant to be in the classes. I did not look like the other ladies and I felt that I would never be as skillful. It was all in my head. I have become a much stronger and more confident person because of my Brass Vixens family. It was because of this that I decided to join the Pole Performance Troupe.

 

                                                              Superman!

Inverted Straddle/Helicopter

Sleeping Beauty!

I wanted to be part of the Pole Performance Troupe because I thought it was an awesome way to show how I've grown as a pole dancer. It’s been a while since I've done a choreographed routine and I was looking forward to it, especially since it was a pole dance routine. Tia is an amazing dancer, choreographer, and teacher. I didn't have any expectations for the routine but I knew that it was going to be fun, sexy, and amazing. My fellow troupe-mates and I were all at different levels and Tia managed to make each of us feel comfortable with the routine. We were told that we could do our own performance, so my friend, Anna, and I decided to do an additional duet. We finished the choreography the afternoon of the performance. She’ll say otherwise, but the choreo for that routine was mainly Anna’s and it was amazing to be able to bring her creativity to life.

Core group of Sexies!

Just before my Pole Troupe performed to Rihanna's 'Skin'.

I made a Facebook status about the performance and some of my friends came out to watch me. I was a nervous wreck but I was so happy to see them sitting in the audience. They enjoyed the show and hung around afterwards asking me to show them some stuff. I loved that they could see with their own eyes why I enjoy going to the studio and having them there to support me meant more than I could express.

The girls with Tia (in the pink bottoms) after our amazing show!

 That was one of my favourite parts of the experience, having my friends see me in a place where I am happy and confident. Another favourite part of the night was at the end of my performances. I was a bag of nerves before and after each performance, and I messed up a couple of times. However, right at the end of each of them, where everyone was clapping and cheering, was my a moment I absolutely loved. If you've ever performed, you know that natural high you feel once you've finished your set. That’s exactly how I felt at the end of the night; I was on cloud nine.

(Merissa dropping in to say, "LOOK AT ALL THE SEXY!!!")

I have definitely changed since joining Brass Vixens. I don’t remember the last time I've looked this good. I have never had any sort of confidence in myself until I started going here. I can proudly say that I am a strong, confident, and sexy woman and it is because of the ladies who work at and/or attend Brass Vixens. They may or may not know this, but they were one of the reasons that kept me from going back to that dark place in my head. I said above that I only started taking the pole dancing classes seriously in January. The other reason I started to take more classes at that time is because I had a lot more time on my hands. I was off work in the winter because my seasonal job had ended. I traveled for a bit when I was no longer working and I expected to have some sort of income when I got back. That never materialized. I was told by a couple of different places that I didn’t get the job I wanted abroad, I had trouble finding another job here, and to top it off I had to put the pieces of my heart back together.

Some of the BV ladies and myself with Blue from Ex-Wixes of Rock.

That darkness inside of me is a scary place to be and I knew I was heading in that direction. I have a strong support system, both here and abroad, yet I failed to see them because of the pain I was in. I felt useless, unhappy, and unloved but I had just renewed my membership with the studio. So instead of staying at home all day, I decided to take as many classes as I could so I would at least get some fresh, albeit, cold air. I started going there several times a week to keep my mind occupied and to attempt to get in shape. I started to see a difference in my body after a couple of months. Seeing this physical change pushed me to continue to go as often as I could, even when I started working again. What kept me wanting to continue these classes was the sense of community the ladies there  have built. They all truly know how to make you feel good about yourself and they believe in you, even when you don’t. I have a group of women there that I know I can count on. We are all so comfortable with each other. We can talk about anything without  worrying about facing any judgment. We got along right away and it’s been nothing but fun whenever we’re together. I'd become quite guarded around new people but my core group of sexies quickly broke down my wall. One of my friends who came out to see the performance told me that she could sense the empowerment among all of us and saw how it can be seen as a safe space. That is exactly what Brass Vixens is to me; it is my safe space, my happy place. The studio and the ladies there have a special place in my heart.

Inverted Crucifix!

The ladies of Brass Vixens helped to save me from me and showed me how great a person I am. Because of that, I will always defend my love of pole dancing. I have never had the strength, physical and otherwise, that I do now and it is because I can see the positive change in my overall being. This positive changed happened while taking classes at the studio. I still take the other classes that are offered and I still enjoy them but I see my progress the most in my pole classes. A lot of people have said that it’s a great workout, others have wondered why I take these classes, and there have been a few who downright don’t like it. I know that there’s only so much to say when it comes to my love of this type of fitness and that it won’t please everyone. I’m quite okay with that. I have learned to believe in myself in a way that I never have before and I know that it shows.

Silly faces!

Dancing with my Pole Performance Troupe ladies was an amazing night for a few reasons:

- I was surrounded by a group of ladies who had each others’ backs

- We did an amazing job performing some awesome choreography - Tia’s and our own.

- Our friends were able to see why we all love pole dancing and the studio itself

- There was a sense of happiness that could be seen and felt

I’m happy I was able to have this experience and to share it with incredible people!