"Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first." - Kathleen's Final Inspirational Post

When I started writing these posts, I expected it to be a challenge. I was right on that front, but it ended up being for a different reason than I’d anticipated; while I’d expected it to be hard by virtue of it being a personal topic—it’s hard to expose your insecurities, pointing them out for others to see and potentially to judge—I struggled the most to articulate what I dislike about my body, in part because I’ve come to realize that I really don’t hate my body the way I once did. My body image certainly isn’t perfect, but even the parts that I do sometimes fixate on or that I am insecure about—like my thighs and my belly—do not cause me nearly the same level of distress that they used to. 

Overall, it’s been an interesting experience trying to put my relationship with my body into words. Despite the challenges of it, it’s a topic that I could continue to explore and discuss probably nearly indefinitely because it continues to shift and evolve and because it’s so strongly entwined with so many other aspects of my life, impacting how I associate with the world and the people around me.

But I think we’d all become exhausted if I did talk about it indefinitely.  So, for now, this will be my last post on the subject, and it’s going to be just a little different than the previous ones. I mentioned above that I don’t hate my body the way I once did, and while I could still tell you about my dislike for the fat that hangs out over my ribs and always creates a roll there, or how I feel self-conscious when people find out how big my feet are (size 11, and yes I do sometimes wear men’s shoes), I’d much rather tell you about all of the little things I love about myself, so I’m going to do just that.

Success # 4 (and beyond) – Loving the little things (… a partial list)

I love my eyes, with their navy ringed irises and how they shift from bright blue to nearly grey depending on the light.

I like my dorkiness and the fact that by and large I’ve learned to embrace it rather than shy away from it. I love that it has resulted in a strange depth of random knowledge.

I’ve come to realize that many of my favourite pictures of myself are ones where the dorkiness shines through.

I love my hair and its curly waviness—it’s temperamental, but it’s beautiful.  Not unlike the rest of me.

I love how far I can point my toes.

I like my bum. It might be big, but it’s round and high and it looks fantastic in a pair of jeans. In fact, I rather like it because it’s big.

I love that I’m learning to live by my mom’s motto of “say yes more often” when it comes to trying new things. And I love that I keep people on their toes because this has left me with a strange variety of hobbies and interest.

There was a time when I would never have even considered trying something like the CN Tower EdgeWalk.

I love the muscle definition that is beginning to appear in my back, shoulders, and arms.

I like the fact that I have the Zorzella nose: the same nose that my dad had and that my brother and many of my cousins also have. (I may not always love how wide it is, but I adore the fact that it’s a family trait).

Not a perfect picture comparison, but it’s still clear that I take after my dad.

I love my dimples. They make me feel adorable.

I love the shape of my lips, and that I’ve recently discovered how awesome wearing lipstick makes me feel.

I love how strong I’m getting, and how many more things I am capable of now than it was even six months ago, and I cannot wait to find out what I will become capable of in the next six.

This picture looks celebratory to me, and that’s pretty much how I feel about being able to do things like this!

"Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who you are." - Kathleen's Story (Part 3)

Struggle #3 – Blemishes

My skin has many blemishes of all kinds. Some of them don’t bother me, like the handful of chicken pox scars left over from when I was little or the silvery stretch marks zigzag over my hips and the tops of my thighs—they used to bother me, back when they were angry red and people, upon seeing them, would ask if I’d been scratched, but they really don’t any more.

 My stretch marks stopped bothering me a long time ago.

But some of the blemishes do bother me. Like the cellulite on my thighs that’s been there as long as I can remember, or the acne that still constantly mars my skin at 25.

In my last post I discussed my struggles with my legs, but the one thing I didn’t mention is cellulite. To be honest, I think I’d still hate it if it were on any other part of my body—in fact, while I quite like my bum, I can guarantee that I hate the cellulite there—but the fact that it sits heavy on thighs that I already don’t love, well, that just makes me less inclined to ignore it. I hate the lumpy unevenness of it, the way it puckers and dimples my skin. Most of the time I find it easy enough to ignore, but I know I sometimes make concessions to it, avoiding certain cuts of shorts, or the one pole in class that I know is lit at an angle that highlights every lump and bump.

I’m uncomfortable with the visible unevenness of my thighs, even without the help of really unflattering light.

The worst part about cellulite is not really what it looks like at all, though. It’s the fact that it feels like it brands me somehow. I know that neither fitness nor youth are guarantees against cellulite, but it is hard not to feel that its residence on my thighs brands me as being out of shape and as not having the body expected of a twenty-something: that it somehow marks my body as being less perfect than it is meant to be given my age.

Acne, on the other hand—which shows up on my face, but is worst on my chest, shoulders, and back—makes me feel like a teenager. It feels like something I am meant to have outgrown by now, and I dislike that in many ways it marks the state of my life on my skin. In particular, it is obvious from the state of my skin when I am going through a period of stress or unhappiness.

I know lots of people would hardly consider this acne at all, but I’m incredibly self-conscious about it!

Inevitably, the more red welts that appear, the more stressed I become and the less self-confident I feel, to the point where, on occasion, I've avoided wearing the outfits that usually make me feel the best because I know I’m not going to feel as good as I’d like to in them. I try not to let my occasional discomfort over any part of my body—be it my belly, my thighs, or my acne—keep me from doing or wearing the things I want, and while I certainly don’t always succeed, I like to think I’m making progress and letting these things hold me back less than they once did.

Success #3 – Friends

Did you know that obesity is considered to be “socially contagious”? This is because we typically adopt the habits—good and bad—of those around us, so whether your friends love eating fast food or whether they’re gym rats (or both), you’re likely to pick up at least some of their habits.

For me this has certainly been true. I’m not saying to ditch the friend with the love of fries (I am that friend) if you’re trying to lose weight, but for me, at least, having a group of people who have habits I admire, who can do the things I want to learn to do, or who share my love of something has been huge. Those are the people who encourage me constantly, who help me push myself, and who inspire me to try new things in all aspects of my life, and so those people have been indispensable in helping me to become comfortable and confident in myself.

I've been lucky enough to have multiple groups of amazing people who fill this role in my life, and I am especially lucky that those who I initially knew only at the gym have now become people I call friends. Now, I am constantly motivated to go to pole class, not only because I love it, but also because there is accountability, and, even more than that, because there is a social aspect that I miss when I am not there.

Chatting out after Saturday pole class—this happens almost every week, and I love it. (Pic credit: @Brassvixens Instagram!)

When I am in class, this group supports me, believes in me, helps me, and cheers me on when I accomplish something new—and still manages to make me feel good about myself when I am frustrated at not landing that new move. 

In addition to that, these are people who, simply by being their adventurous and fun-loving selves, have given me so many opportunities to do and try things that I might not have otherwise—from going to high tea to like joining an axe-throwing league and playing archery tag. Things like axe throwing and archery tag may or may not be things I ultimately excel at, but for someone who has always been fairly reserved and nervous about trying new things, it is a huge accomplishment to be trying at all.

Sadly I have thus far failed to get a picture with the lovely ladies who are in the league with me, so here’s an action shot instead!

So maybe obesity is contagious, but there are so many other things that are too, and I've found that surrounding myself with amazing people, well, it might not necessarily make me amazing by association, but it certainly helps.

No thigh gap? Some problems. - Part 2 of Kathleen's Self-Love Journey

Struggle #2 – Legs


My legs and I have always had a bit of a rocky relationship. I must have been in middle school, probably no older than 11 or 12, when I began actively hating them. I refused to wear shorts or skirts that hit higher than mid-calf, thinking my legs too chunky and unsightly to be acceptable. My mom told me my calves were shapely, but I just called them fat. It took me a number of years—and a few hot summers of suffering through overheating—before I gave in, eventually moving to knee-length styles, and eventually to shorts that hit mid-thigh. In university the skirts got shorter and tighter, but were worn only on nights out and accompanied by sky-high heels and a strong dose of discomfort.

Even now, I still don’t love my legs. I still think my calves are too chunky and my thighs too jiggly. I hate that I’m knock-kneed in an obvious way. I don’t care about thigh gaps one way or the other, but I hate how much my thighs chafe, and I still feel uncomfortable with the way they squish out when I sit while wearing shorts.

Thigh squish—ack! I can’t believe I’m willingly putting this picture online!

But worse than that, I still sometimes resent my legs. I don’t resent them for their stockiness, not directly anyway, but I do resent how inconvenient they can be. It’s difficult to find jeans—especially my favoured skinny jeans—that fit properly around my calves without constricting, and it’s nearly impossible to find boots that come even to mid-calf, and even then they usually need to have laces in order to fit. Not to mention the fact that my jeans are more likely to have to be replaced because the inner thigh has worn out than for any other reason.


But on the other hand, I like wearing shorts, and I love short, swishy summer dresses—I even wear them with flats without really thinking anything of it, even though I know they’re not as flattering. When I do find skinny jeans that fit, I wear them constantly, and often find myself looking in the mirror thinking my legs look good. And, as I’ve said before, I love what my legs let me do; I may not love the way my soft inner thigh smooshes out during certain pole moves, but if that’s the trade-off for having the grip to stick leg hangs, pikes, and Supermans, I guess I can live with that.

Thigh grip is necessary for the Superman. Plus, being able to do this makes me feel like a superhero!

All in all, though my legs are still a sticking point when it comes to loving every detail of myself, I don’t actually hate them the way I once did. I still cite my thighs as my least favourite body part, but I’m not sure it’s really true, and maybe it is, at the very least, time that I start giving my legs a little bit more credit.



Success # 2 – Goals and Motivation


I’ve never been very good at making goals. I like results and I like success, but actually setting long-term goals and taking specific steps to meet them—especially when results don't happen immediately—well, I don’t really excel at that. At least, not when getting to that end point is the only motivation. For me, figuring that out has made a world of difference, because making goals and failing to accomplish them kind of sucks, and it's certainly never made me feel good about myself.


If I look at myself back in high school, or even in university, my goal with working out was always just to lose weight. No matter how much I wanted to be skinny (note: being skinny, as such, is no longer a goal of mine—being happy and healthy in my body is!), I could never find the motivation to actually hit that goal because results wouldn't happen immediately, and so it would seem like I wasn't getting anywhere, and eventually I'd simply give up. And then, inevitably, I'd feel worse than before, hating myself and my body for the inability to follow through or to change.


These days, though vanity certainly plays a role, health is a bigger factor, and the reality is that other things have mostly taken over. As I mentioned in my last post, when I started pole dancing, the primary goal was to try something new and to get myself out of the house, since I’d begun to feel like my life was stagnating. When I took up pole again after moving to Toronto, the goal was largely the same: it was something I already knew that I liked, and it gave me a reason to wake up and to leave the apartment. Now, pole is a motivator all its own.

For a while I’d begun to plateau—I was unable to learn new moves without gaining strength—and so when there was an opportunity to start hitting GoodLife with coworkers over lunch, it was easy to say yes, knowing that it would help me gain the necessary strength to improve. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't magically made me keen to spend an hour lifting weights; I still struggle to motivate myself some days (or weeks, or months), but when the goal is to improve my ability to do something that I love, it's a lot easier to give up that hour of reading BuzzFeed in favour of spending time at the gym.
So, sure, weight loss is still a motivating factor, but it’s secondary to a lot of things that are more fun and that are, quite honestly, better for my mental health and sense of self.

Part of my fitness goals list—in no particular order.

If you look at my list of goals, it’s largely pole moves. Some are far off goals, ones I may be working towards for years to come, and some are ones that I could get next week or next month if I just keep working at them. Every time I accomplish one of those moves—or even feel myself get that next step closer—I feel successful and I feel strong, and that's what keeps me moving forward. And really, that is what reminds me of how amazing my body is and of what it can do, and, much more than losing weight, that's what makes me feel confident in my own body.

The Jade Split is still on my goal list, because my version is far from perfect—but it still feels pretty amazing!

"You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it in himself.- Galileo Galilei": Spotlight on Kori and Tia

This week you get to meet two of the instructors at Brass Vixens. Tia and Kori are two of the nicest, most supportive and gorgeous (inside and out) women that I know. In the beginning, they were two huge reasons that I kept coming back and were instrumental in building my confidence in my pole and myself. They will never know (well, they kinda do now) how much of an impact they've had on my life. I love them to bits and very touched by the stories below. 

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"The musician has the most brothers, and the dancer the most sisters- Alexandra Chauran": Kori's Story

There are many similarities between my story and those of the other women of Brass Vixens. Perhaps that's largely responsible for the wonderful camaraderie I experience!



At the time I discovered Brass Vixens, I was intent on finding an exciting and motivating way to get back into shape. I grew up dancing and received my formal education in the fine and performing arts. A chain of events led me to stop performing and turn my focus to art and shoe design. Needless to say, the lack of physical activity from long hours sitting at my desk drawing and designing, combined with my husband's culinary feats resulted in me becoming significantly out of shape! The prolonged absence of physical exertion and expression in my life also left me not a little depressed. Though I have never subscribed to one image of health and beauty, I no longer felt like myself.


Then, one fateful afternoon, walking along Queen Street West, I came upon the Brass Vixens sandwich board. They were offering a fantastic deal on drop in classes. I had been intrigued by pole dancing for some time so I convinced a friend to sign up with me. I was immediately addicted after my first class with Holly Weston! I had been seeking a fresh start and to find a physical discipline I hadn't experienced before and that would therefore carry no preconceived notions or the threat of comparison between my current and previous selves. Pole dancing was it!!

Sassy pole sit.

What kept me returning to Brass Vixens and pole dancing after that introductory class were the results I saw and felt in myself; not only physically but emotionally as well. I experienced a restored sense of confidence and possibility. My body remembered the joy and pleasure of dancing and physical challenge. I felt and continue to feel elated whenever I am pole dancing. The joy is in the journey.

Kori and her fellow instructors (l-r): Tia, Dawn and Kori.

Of course, a vital element in my dedication to Brass Vixens was and is the people; fellow students, staff and instructors. It is a vibrant, diverse, sincere and celebratory community. I have met so many talented, intelligent, capable, strong and inspiring women... and men too! I loved it so much I began working at the studios as an administrator! I wanted to contribute to something that came to mean so much to me and increased my joie de vivre!

First pole performance!

Now, as an instructor, it is an honour for me to be teaching students and hopefully providing them with the same affirming and quality experience I had. It is a privilege to witness their transformations and achievements and to share their joy and pride in all they accomplish. I've had many proud moments since joining the Brass Vixens family. As a student, it was completing my first class and then the first time I inverted. It took a lot of determination to get this booty up over my head!!
As an instructor, it is every time I see a student perfect a move they never imagined they would be able to do. The sparkle I see in their eyes at such a moment is beautiful and priceless. I'm profoundly grateful to share in these successes everyday. They encourage help keep me motivated on my own journey. None of us would be continuing to pole dance if it wasn't for our love of it and that's the common denominator and equalizer for the women of Brass Vixens.

Brass Vixens Float for WorldPride 2014 in Toronto. Kori's on it!

Truly, stopping to read that sandwich board and then having the nerve to attend classes was one of the best things I ever did! It changed my life and brought me into contact with many amazing people.

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"Dance is the hidden language of the soul- Martha Graham": Tia's Story

I wanted to start pole dancing years ago. I remember watching Jenyne Butterfly's pole routine to 'Dog Days are Over' (by Florence and the Machine) and thinking, "This is incredible!" I have been dancing for roughly 21 years and teaching for close to 11 years. Growing up in a competitive dance atmosphere had its ups and downs. I was never the "best" dancer and I was never shown favouritism. In fact, sometimes I felt like I was just never good enough. Well, I let people make me feel like I was just never good enough.

NYC Dance Summit a few years ago: 'I dance whenever I want, wherever I want'.

Dance has always been a huge part of my life. I am positive I was born dancing out of my mother's womb. I love performing and teaching. I believe that you can't live life without some kind of inspiration. When I'm dancing, whether it be in the studio or on a stage, everything else in life vanishes. It's just me and the music.

I joined Brass Vixens over a year ago because of the previously mentioned video. But I joined Brass Vixens well over a year after watching that. I was in a long term relationship and the man I was dating gave me an ultimatum- it was him or pole dancing. I remember being in that relationship and not being able to do or be who I wanted to be. I wasn't allowed to be sexy or show people that I was. Him, and a number of other people thought pole dancing was 'slutty'. I always saw it as an art. I believe being sexy is an art in itself. Safe to say, I grew up and found my self worth and realized that if I can't be in a relationship where someone supports what I love and takes me for who I am, then I would rather be single. Fortunately, I am now in a relationship with the most supportive man I have ever met.

Tia and Dawn!

I  have never been in a studio that is so positive, supportive and encouraging. I owe everything to Brass Vixens. Dawn, my teacher, mentor and friend has given me all the confidence I always pretended to have but really didn't. I would not be where I am today without her love, guidance and support. You will never know how much I love and respect you for all you do, Dawn!

I am so thankful that Shannon (the owner) and Dawn (teacher and boss lady) have given me the opportunity to start teaching there.

Tia and some of her students celebrating the success of the first Pole Performance Night featuring troupes of her students :).

I must say, as much as I love pole dancing, and dancing in general, what inspires me most are the students. Watching students progress technically makes me happy but watching their confidence grow and how strong they become emotionally means the world to me. I live to be inspired and inspire those around me. Knowing that I have inspired other women to be strong and confident really makes me feel like I am doing something right. I would be nothing but empty without the students I teach.

Pole dancing is my world right now. It is because of Brass Vixens that I am not afraid to be sexy. Even if I wanted to get down and dirty on the pole, so what? Dancing how you want to dance does not define who you are; though in my case, I feel that dancing in general is the definition of ME. It is an outlet of expression and expression is healthy. Expression is life. When I'm on the pole- dancing, spinning, climbing, inverting- I feel free.

Knowing I have built the physical strength to do what I am able to do now and knowing that I am capable of making people see the worth in themselves when I teach, well, I feel like a superhero.

I love Brass Vixens and all of the inspirational teachers and students I have met on this journey.